Extra Nate: Fire & Blood and Fake History

INTRODUCTION

Quarter 2 started off with a book we were really looking forward too. Fire & Blood by George R. R. Martin. The second series by GRRRM that he will ALSO never finish. Featuring such characters as… well I don’t know if there are any actual characters because it’s supposed to be a historical document rather than a narrative. We could have had a narrative from this stuff. It was there. You had a guy named Aenys who everyone could “mistakenly” call “anus.” That was peak comedy gold! You could set a sitcom: The Adventures of Aenys and Maegor. It features two brothers who couldn’t be more different. One is a weak man who bends overbackwards for everybody. One is a strong chad whose first, second, and thrid inclination involve violence. Together they share half of a mother. Let’s run this for 8 seasons and in the season finale have GRRM come out and promise that Winds of Winter Part 1 will be out by 2037 and then wonder why people are so upset?

Instead of that gold up there (call me, Hollywood) we got a historical docuent that doesn’t really solve any of the interesting mysteries. It raises new questions that will almost certainly never be solved. These mysteries aren’t so much magical like “who is this mysterious Tom Bombadil?” or “what is going on with this Incan Gold ship?” (that blog post is coming soon) but it’s more of a less magical, more important thing like… why did Aegon end the largest war in history in a white peace? That’s kind of important, George. Why are you not telling me. This can’t POSSIBILY be important to ASOIAF’s story that will never be completed. You can JUST FUCKING TELL ME. YOU ALREADY HAVE MY MONEY!

So in order to show to you, the reader, why this sucks. I thought I’d demonstrate by just… doing the exact same thing. Prepare for my playthrough of Crusader Kings 3! I played as House Briain (or O’Brian if you’re not one of God’s chosen people aka The Celts/Irish) and wacky hijinx ensued, of whicih you can experience none of it. Instead I just wrote up what I did as if it actually happened.

THE SET-UP: HISTORICAL HOUSE BRIAIN

I don’t know my history. Sorry, yeah. All I have to go on is the real-world in-game discussion. I also watched a few youtube videos. So what I’m saying is that I actually am a bit of an expert, in much the same way Daddy Pig is an expert from Shitty Children’s Cartoon: Peppa Pig. Peppa Pig fucking sucks.

It’s 1066. Harold Godwinson is king of England but barely. He faces an invasion from viking King Harald Hardrada. At the same time William the Bastard is about to cross the English channel and change English history forever. On the neighboring island of Ireland, ther eis no unifying king. Two (or three, I can’t tell) generations prior House Briain’s patriarch had crowned himself as High King. His rule was tenuous and he had to put down rebellions. From what I remember, no I’m not looking it up and nobody is reading this anyway so I don’t HAVE to be historically accurate, the man rode and defeated rebels in Dublin. However in his victory he managed to accidentally be in the wrong place at the wrong time and ran into a band of hostiles who jumped him and killed him. No problem, right? He’s got a son and the title of High King will pass to him. One problem: his son is fighting elsewhere and also dies. Honestly I wrote down that maybe even his grandson dies… I might actually look this one up. That sounds metal as fuck. In any case, there is no High King in Ireland and the island collapses into many petty kingdoms. This is where we start our story.

PETTY KING MURCHAD “CHAD” MAC BRIAIN OF MUNSTER

We start our story as the real life Murchad mac Briain. Obviously I call him Chad. He’s in south Ireland. He wants to claim his grandfather (or great grandfathers?) birthright and once again become High King of Ireland. Only now, I’m going to be controlling his actions. A Modern Chad in control of an Old School Chad. Obviously the world is about to be a lot hairier. It should also be noted that regardless of how actual history went this game very quickly goes off the rails. It’s possible William the Bastard sails to England, dies, and we have an English King Harald Hadrada, king of both Norway and England. Any number of insane shenanigans can happen, which is why I like our odds.

Murchad of Munster has himself 2 counties directly under his control and a 3rd county under the control of his vassal. While England erupts into a 3-way war, Murchad spends much of his time rebuilding his birthright. The winner of this English war, much like in reality, has the greatest chance of determining the future of the islands. If there were a strong alternative, however, perhaps the future of the isles will be steered by the Irish instead.

Murchad has claims to lands in southern Ireland. He sees an opportunity for a politically advantageous marriage that also benefits his High King ambitions. You see, as a Petty King, Murchad is on the level of a duke. The Bastard has not yet won his crown and whether he will or not is still yet to be seen. So Murchad and The Bastard are on the same level. True, The Bastard has a larger army and more land. That’s factored into whether The Bastard will accept a marriage alliance from Murchad or not but it’s easier when his feudal rank isn’t so much higher than Murchad’s. So with all the factors in play, William The Bastard decides he could benefit from this marriage. He agrees to marry his daughter to Murchad’s one and only son, Brian (who is already an adult). Perfect.

The rest of the plan easily falls into place. Murchad has a new ally with a ton of soldiers… on paper. Sure, those troops are currently tied up in a giant war spanning all of England, but nobody has to know that. What if William does win and those troops come this way when he’s done? The thought alone (and somem liberal threats of violence) were all Murchad needed to force the vasilization of several neighboring southern lords. Not all the lords pledged their fealty, but enough do that Murchad’s realm is expanded and with it, his army. These new lords have pledged a portion of their own men as soldiers, which Murchad promptly uses to smackdown the other counts in the region. Thus Murchad expanded his realm to encompass all of southern Ireland in as little as just a few years. Tragically, during the bloody fighting needed to secure his land, Murchad loses his brother. Historians at the time quoted Murchad as saying “oh sweet. Now there won’t be any disputes later down the line or any strong claimants to my or my son’s title. Uhhh… I mean… oh no… not my brother?” That’s according to Fungus, a random dwarf for some reason, that I will never mention again because it’s a bad joke parodying a worse fake historical record.

Murchad kept a watchful eye on the wars in England during this time of conquest. His ally, The Bastard, managed to slay the English King Harold Godwinson and has turned his attention to the Norse invaders of Hadrada. The Bastard never calls Murchad to join him in his English conquest even though they are allies and he would be within his right to do so. It’s just as well, because The Bastard does succeed in finally slaying his rival for the crown. He crowns himself William “The Conqueror”, no longer a bastard. This is good news. Murchad’s ally has just become more powerful and unified England. The other lords of the British Isles include: a king in Scotland, several petty kings in Wales, and a petty king sitting in the Isle of Man. None of them are strong enough to stand against The Conqueror and as such, none will attempt to attack him in a war of aggression. This extends to Murchad as well. Nobody in the region will mess with Murchad as long as his, let’s not call it a big brother but it’s essentially that, stands behind him and menacingly glares at them. This gives Murchad a lot of maneuverability to subjugate the central and northern Irish lords over his lifetime and claim the High Crown for himself.

That is, as long as Murchad’s daughter-in-law doesn’t die in a random fire. As long as that doesn’t happen, Murchad’s alliance is secure. Murchad is going to just check in with his son Brian and see how things are going on that whole “make a baby” thing. It’s literally his one and only job right now. So, how’s the heir going? Oh… your wife burned to death in a random fire… oh…. Historians disagree on whether or not Murchad wanted to “Weekend at Bernies this shit for a little bit” or not. It was said that Murchad really, really did not want William the Conqueror to know that their marriage alliance was no longer valid by way of combustion. It was said that he didn’t want anybody to announce the death and if William wrote any letters to his daughter, to forge letters from his daughter as if she were still alive. Maybe put some make-up on her corpse and try really really hard to just… pretend… please God, just let me keep this alliance a little longer. Other historians say that was incorrect. So you, the reader, can just decide on what actually happened.

Regardless of what Murchad wanted, it’s not what he got. The death was known far and wide. The marriage alliance was in ruins. The Conqueror had other unwed daughters, however. But now that he was a king, he outranked the small southern Irish lord. The Conqueror was not interested in a new alliance. Whether he was concerned that any daughter married to Brian would also end up burned to death, the history books do not say.

Still Murchad persisted. Every war started for land in Ireland was usually one-sided and in his favor. But every war started might also weaken him just enough that his neighbors might see him as conquerable. The Welsh were of equal power at this time while the Scots (called the Kingdom of Alba) were stronger than Murchad. There was also the added pressure that one of the other powers might take an Irish county, pulling it from Murchad’s grasp. If he wanted the disputed land he would have to wage war against a superior opponent. Time was of the essence.

England loomed large in the west. King William worked on consolidating his power as Murchad moved into central Ireland. Feudal lords were subjugated or, in some cases, eliminated. Yet a potential showdown with England… was averted. King William, for many reasons that aren’t recorded in this series because this isn’t a story on the English Kings, drank himself to death early. His son, King Robert I, took the throne and proceeded to piss his inheritance away as hard as he possibly could.

Petty King Murchad was not sufficiently strong enough to directly engage King Robert. He could, however, ally against him. Definitely, historians agreen, not as a petty revenge against his father for not marrying another daughter to Brian. Definitely not that. It was a strategic play. The neighboring Petty King of Brittany (it’s basically the horn of France) was interested in a marriage alliance. Murchad was betrothed to the King’s underage daughter as was the style at the time. Together, he and the Petty King waged war on the English for the lands Robert held in continental Europe. At the same time, the French king saw the opportunity to wage a separate war against King Robert for other continental lands. King Robert was a bad, ineffectual king who now had to fight two simultaneous wars away from home. By the time the wars had ended, Brittany and France were both larger domains while England’s army was decimated. The balance of power in the British Isles was shattered. Murchad himself was not the strongest of all but he was on par with his peers. Factoring in his alliance with Brittany, he had nothing to fear from the other lords.

Yet it was not the other lords that brought about his downfall. While on campaign in central Ireland, ending in the conquest of over half of the island, Murchad caught pneumonia. One of the doctor’s was quoted as saying “it’s fine, just rest in this bed for a week. It’ll go away in time.” That doctor was later quote as saying “please stop stabbing me!” Nobody knows why pneumonia kills people. I’m definitely not saying that as both a jab (hah) at anti-vaxers and at GRRM for being a chode and leaving it up in the air as to how his rulers died when that’s kind of an important detail. But, yeah, Murchad died.

At the age of 53, Petty King Murchad passed into legend as he ascended into heaven. Or his lungs filled with fluid and he died in agony. One of those two happened and we are all the worse for it. His crown passed to his son Brian.

HIGH KING BRIAN BRIAIN II “THE GRACIOUS”

Woah calling him “High King” may be a spoiler but if you read my 5-book series “Edenverse vs Extra Sensual Pereception: A Hole In Time (and it’s not the only hole, if you know what I mean)” you would already know all this history so this companion book that I’m posting in this blog (for that is what this is) is just telling you shit you already know.

Petty King Brian took his father’s lands and his dreams of unifying Ireland as his forefathers had. As the only child of Petty King Murchad, he inherited all of his father’s land without any partition. Within only a scant number of years he had the northern Irish lords bending the knee to him. The same offer was given to the count in Dublin. It was rejected. Petty King Brian was going to war.

Now this is a historical text and not a story with ups and downs and main characters and what not. Just like Fire and Blood. Except I guess I haven’t used the word “thrice” a lot. I also never really recorded who was on every single king’s high council and I didn’t give you their backstories… so I can’t fill out my 700 page quota with this blog. That’s my bad. Anyway the point is, I left that last paragraph off in a way where it was supposed to build tension. Like “oh no, Brian is untested in combat. Will he be a good king? Will he be able to win this war?” Even though you already know that he will become High King. I could explain the war in detail, giving you every little tiny fight. He doesn’t have dragons so it’s not a one-sided ass kicking. Except he has like 90% more soldiers and territory than the Count of Dublin (who we shall call Bill) and uh… yeah it was a one-sided ass kicking. Brian curb stomped that little shit like he was owed money. And he was owed money. Because you didn’t seem to grasp that you were on Brian’s island, bitch. Again, this is just a humble historical record though so, pretend I explained that to you in an extra bored way. Like I’m also not invested in the thing that we’re doing here.

Brian, in less than half a decade, has unified Ireland under his rule. He crowns himself High King Brian II and fulfils his father’s dream and ambition while surpassing him in every way. On the homefront, his wife wasn’t producing heirs. This might be a problem for some people, but not for a goddamn High King. Brian saw an opportunity to marry a fertile female (why are you throwing up?) and also secure an alliance… with Brittany. You see, his dad had been betrothed to an underage girl. Well that girl had now blossomed into a woman… with lady parts… and stuff. The Irish catholic religion was known as “Insular” because it had drifted from some of the teachings of the church. One of those teachings was monogamy. So Brian married his father’s widdow (they never consummated the wedding so, you know, it was cool). The Pope did catch wind of this and was upset. Not with marrying his father’s child bride (who was no longer a child) but about the polygamy thing. The Pope asked Brian politely (with the consequence of saying no being an implied excommunication) to end the tradition of polygamy, because it made God cry. Brian agreed, divorcing his first non-child-giving wife for his hot new dad’s-former-wife. Thus the homefront was secured.

Next King Brian had to resolve the problem of the succession. Now in Fire and Blood there is a huge issue with the papacy that was presented as insurmountable but then GRRM just has Jahearys solve it instantly and effortlessly. Here? I’m not going to present the succession as a big deal. Yeah, if Brian dies then the realm will divide evenly amongst all his male heirs. This will lead to civil wars as his sons try to fight for control of the realm. Brian has a solid loop-hole to this plan because I had a solid loophole to this plan.

Above is a show of all the counties of Ireland. The highlighted one is one of two duchies directly controlled by Brian (the other duchy is comprised of the bottom 3 counties). These are the lands that will go to each individaul son. How it works is: number 1 son will get the Kingdom crown and the capital duchy and its capital county. Then the next duchy will go to the number 2 son along with its capital county. Then the counties are split evenly between the two sons. If there are even more sons they will all get an equal number of counties.

So how do we (and by we, I mean Brian, because this is a historical record of a fictional person and not just me creating problems to fix) solve this problem? Well, Brian has all 5 counties and 2 duchies directly under his control. He just… re-writes the law. Easy! He enacted a feudal voting law. Anyone who owns land in the county at the level of a count or duke is elligable to vote for who inherits that land. Would you look at that? The only person who fits that criteria is High King Brian! High King Brian then votes his first-born son to be the sole inheritor of both duchies. He will also inherit the crown since that cannot be split itself. Thus the problem of succession is solved. Forever. I don’t know why more people don’t just change the laws to solve their problems?

The next decades… well I’m not going to bore you with every detail of all of his children the way other much more prominent, successful, and lucrative authors would. I… huh, maybe I should? I guess maybe I’m the problem and you need this crucial detail. Well, all I got is that he had 6 children. One died as a child and one was forced to become a nun. I could recount those individual stories and bore you… but I don’t actually remember them. I’m so sorry I can’t waste more of your time.

Much of this time was spend building up infrastructure (to tax) and renogotiating feudal contracts with Brian’s vassals (increasing their taxes) and building up men-at-arms regimens to expand the size of the professional army (paid for with these increased taxes). Brian’s tax policy could best be described as “gimme” and if a fedual lord didn’t like it, he was allowed to take up his concern with upper management, which was High King Brian. Said lord would then be, in the language used by the Internal Revenue Services of today, “obliterated.”

High King Brian also spent time marrying off his remaining 4 sons/daughters to local lords. This provided him with a number of benefits. 1) He woudln’t be dragged into foreign conflicts outside of the British Isles. 2) His local lords were more likely to fall in line due to the familial ties to House Briain. 3) The marriages were often patrilineal or matrilineal based on whichever side House Briain had in the marriage so that the heirs would always be part of House. This would ensure that in future generations, all of Ireland would be directly ruled by the House rather than indirectly through vassals.

The crowning achievement of these marriages, however, was marrying his first-born son (the future High King Demetrius) to the King of Alba’s (Scotland) only heir and daughter. Years later, fate smiled upon the Irish (and not on the Scots) when the King died, leaving his young daughter to take the throne. When Demetrius and his wife came of age any children they produced would have claim on both the Irish and the Scottish thrones. This singular event paved the way for the Irish ascension we see in fantasy modern times.

The final significant event of High King Brian II’s reign was the subjugation of Iceland. For centuries the vikings of “Island” had raided up and down the Irish coast. They continued to do this through King Brian’s reign. He vowed that one day he would handle this threat to his realm and secure an everlasting peace. To accomplish this he would raise an army… of peace. He would train this army in peaceful tactics such as “send the horses in to hunt down stragglers” and “public executions.” At last his chance arrived, one fateful raid.

The Icelandic invaders touched down in the west, secure in the knowledge that there wasn’t a giant army lurking in wait, ready to wave the white flag of peace. Unbeknownst to these raiders, there was an army in waiting and they were ready to make peace. All over their fucking faces. Historians describe it as “a one-sided massacre” and “fucking awesome, did you see that guy’s jaw got punched clean off!” Other historians described it as “they got what was coming to them, High King Brian is the man!” Whichever side you fall on, know that they did totally have it coming. Pricks.

With the raiders’ numbers reduced to shreds, it was time to forge an everlasting peace. First Brian found some old documents and a few old treaties that claiemd that, yeah, Ireland used to own Iceland, shut up. Those who looked at said documents left ehr oom with a pouch of gold co… knowledge. They left the room with knowledge. The point is everyone backed up Brian II’s claim as legitimate and also that Brian was well hung and once caught a fish this large.

Brian pressed his claim on Iceland in the first Icelandic war, named by Briain II at the time because he was keenly aware that he was not going to settle for just one war. Iceland’s population and able-bodied men were already annihilated due to their loss on Irish soil, so the war was very one-sided. Brian took control of the lands and deposed its Duke (who we will call Phil) for his son (who I guess we’ll call Carlton because if GRRM can make dumb references to pop culture shit out of nowhere, then so can I). Duke Carlton of Iceland ruled in High King Brian II’s name for, just kidding, he’s in open rebellion.

Thus the second Icelandic war started. It lasted for a length of time chronicallers at the time called “huh? What? Sorry did something happen?” Carlton was then deposed because rebellion against your new lord is punishable by death. Carlton was imprisoned, stripped of all his titles, and banished from the realm. A new sympathetic lord, loyal to King Brian (we’ll call Will, I guess) was installed in his place.

Alas nothing lasts forever. King Brian was nearing the end of his life. On his deathbed he pulled a Constantine and moved his realm closer to the Catholic church, fully embracing Big Daddy Pope. In his life, he was nicknamed “The Gracious” for his kind nature and piousness. As long as you weren’t from Iceland. Or Peppa Pig.

High King Demetrius “The Frail”

Demetrius I took the throne after his father passed. Since he was voted in to take all his father’s lands, there was no succession conflict. Demetrius, as the land owner, would now be able to vote in his own successor with 100% of the vote. It was a good system that worked.

Demetrius himself was nicknamed “The Frail” late in his life, which was some bullshit. He got that nickname when he was like 60. You try living in fantasy medieval times to the age of 60 and being anything other than a withered husk of a man. Asshole.

Demetrius’s reign was known for relative stability and for his great devotion to Catholicism. Demetrius persoanlly fought in a crusade for the Pope (for the Kingdom of Piedmont… for some reason. This ended too with Demetrius’s daughter becoming queen there on the Pope’s orders). Demetrius also took time to stamp outa Lollard heresy in Wales (which came with the added benefit of taking Welsh territory for his own). He was also keen on eliminating any local heresies that arose in or around his domain. One such being his own uncle, who was the Duke of Iceland (the texts don’t say if this is Will or not so use your imagination until the 7th book of Edenverse vs. Extra Sensual Perception comes out – EDIT: This was Demetrius’s brother: Robertarch). Through bribery and blackmail, he forced his uncle back in line and back toward Catholocism. Yet he wasn’t called “The Pious” or “The Devout” or even “The Holy Warrior” but “The Frail.” Fucking bullshit.

He continued, and even greatly expanded, the military build-up and the infrastructure build-up. Trade flourished under his reign… as much as trade in Medieval times could, anyway. He was a learned man of the arts and a competent military general. Yet he was still “The Fucking Frail.” Sorry, I’m not bitter. this is a totally detached historical discussion on how my boy Demetrius got FUCKED by court gossip during his time. Seriously, you’re gonna do my boy that dirty??

Through Demetrius’s efforts, Ireland officially became the preeminent power in all of the British Isles and even in Northern Europe. It wasn’t even close at this point. Demetrius built upon his father’s efforts and set both himself and his successors up for massive conquest and continued success later on.

A lot of Demetrius’s politial rivals and enemies did seem to just… disappear. Again he’s “The Frail” not “The Lucky” or “The Cunning” or “The Joseph Stalin of the Medieval Times” don’t anger him or you’ll be erased from a portrait.

Tragedy struck midway through Demetrius’s reign. His beloved wife and Queen of Scotland had passed away. Her and Demetrius’s son should have ascended the throne, but instead it was some guy because the Scots had taken notes from King Brian. They enacted a feudal voting law where the lords could choose their own king from amongst the nobles. So Demetrius’s son Umachan, as well as many others, were feudalized by Scotland. This led to approximately 1/3 of Irish land now being held by the Scots.

Demetrius, despite being mistakenly called “The Frail”, was not about that. He secured a marriage before his first wife was even cold and in the ground (as was the style at the time) with the princess of France, forming an alliance. This was followed by a great war.

Demetrius “War Chad” the first of his name assembled his mighty army. Together with his French allies they attacked Scotland to press his son’s claim. Demetrius retook his own lands during this war as well. This was followed by another war within the year when Scottish nobles weren’t too happy about their election being disregarded. Unfortunately for them, militaries don’t tend to get stronger after getting crushed a year previous and this resulted in a culling of many anti-Irish nobility in the Scottish feudal system.

Demetrius “King of the Irish, sire of the King of the Scots and Queen of Italy” (he married his daughter to the King of Italy and it was somehow a matrileneal arrangement) was victorious and he should have been able to enjoy his old age… apparently as a frail old man because that’s all anyone ever remembers him as.

It looked as though the plan that had been set in motion a generation before was finally coming to fruition. All of Ireland was either directly controlled by a son of House Briain OR by someone married to a daughter of house Briain. Demetrius’s son and heir was set to inherit the Irish throne and was currently sitting the Scottish throne (which also, strangely enough, absorbed about half of the lands of England and some Welsh territory through some legal mumbo jumbo). The long-term goal of taking all of Britania was within one generation of becoming reality!

It was not meant to be. Tragedy struck. Kinslaying. Worse, Familial Kinslaying. Even worse still: regicide.

Demetrius’s had 10 children: King of Scotland Umachan (an albino), Duke Constatin, Queen Duinsech (the afformentioned queen of Italy), Donnduban (died of illness at age 13), Catrion, Constance, Constantin (twin of Constance, died at age 23 from injury), Dur-ilei, Caeman (accidental eunich and ruler of Welsh lands who then died of Typhus and flagellating himself like a fucking idiot), Dodegus (years after the others, only child by his French second wife), Laidcenn (who is the second child by his French second wife so the first one was not an only child but my transcribed notes were wrong), Demetrius also had a bastard child from prior to his time as King but nobody talks about that guy and he’s irrelevant to this story until he shows up again in Edenverse the Hedgehog volume 6.

It had come to light that Umachan was murdered. His son Isaac became King of the Scots. Umachan’s murderer was none other than his own brother, Demetrius’s other son: Duke Constatin. The first Constatin. The one that was still alive. I get that’s confusing, but it was the style at the time. Also I’m like 90% sure that I was not paying attention to the names of the later children because I had no use for them. I mean, Demetrius had no use for them, for this is his story.

Despite the crime of Familial kinslaying and regicide being… a crime… okay let me start that sentence over again. Getting caught murdering your own brother who was also a King of a neighboring country is kind of a big deal. Constatin was a Duke in the Kingdom of Ireland. His trial and imprisonment would be up to Demetrius… but he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

He was already called “The Frail” before this but I guess this is where you can call him “The Frail” because he couldn’t bring himself to imprison his second-born son for the crime of killing his first-born son and you know what? You fucking try to do it. Go ahead, I’ll wait. Raise two children and have one of them kill the other, then imprison the survivor and come back to this document like you’re some big shot. Not so easy was it? So maybe let’s not treat Demetrius “Conqueror of Scotland, Holy Warrior, Great Holy Crusader, and Lord of all Ireland” like he’s some kind of old frail piece of shit. The man set Ireland up as the largest power in western Europe at a time where, two generations before, that would be inconceivable. His biggest failure was not putting his son behind bars. That is something that would need to be rectified in his successor’s reign.

That would come quickly and seemingly out of nowhere. One day Demetrius was greeted with the knowledge of another son (Ladiceen) on the way. The next day he was dead.

Emperor Isaac “The Lucky” “The Tuatha De Danann”

I think one of the reasons why fake fantasy historians can’t put enough respect on Demetrius’s name is because I say they don’t because I’m controlling the narrative here. Another reason might be because he was followed by this guy. Already from the fact that he has the word “Emperor” in front of his name and he has two titles, you know this is something special. You know this is some next level shit.

Isaac, King of Scotland, inherits the throne of Ireland from his grandfather (thanks to rewritten inheritance laws, why don’t we just do this all the time?) while in the midst of a civil war against him due to one of the Scottish lords gaining support from high ranking nobles and attempting to overthrow their rightful king. A king who just inherited a massive army and a truckload of gold. His military was so powerful that it allowed Isaac to not only turn the tide of his war in Scotland but also start a second war in Ireland which he also won.

Unlike his predecessor, Isaac wasn’t too keen on his father being murdered by his uncle. Isaac demanded the rarrest of his uncle, a duke in Ireland. His uncle evaded arrest and called his banners and allies in open rebellion against Isaac. Neither his uncle nor all of Scotland could stop Isaac’s subsequent rampage.

Isaac beat down all of his unruly nobles, securing both thrones in the process. His traitorous vassals were stripped of their titles and lands and banished. This included his uncle, who escaped execution only so that Isaac would not be labled a kinslayer.

Isaac then spent the next 15 years of his reign securing his powerbase. Disloyal vassals were rooted out. Since Isaac had legitimate claims to a lot of lands held by his vassals, he could (and did) press those claims. The vassals would then rebel against him and he would put down the rebellion with a well-trained professional army. Somehow these disloyal vassals thought that they would be able to stand against the royal army when the combined might of half the British Isles wasn’t enough to stop Isaac. This occurred again, and again, and again. He banished many many vassals from the realm and redistributed their lands to loyal lords and ladies who would fall in line.

Like his grandfather before him, Isaac also participated in a crusade, this time for the Kingdom of Tahert in Northern Africa (for some reason… I mean, Jerusalem is the other way guys, but whatever). After that Crusade was won, his sister (and her husband, Isaac’s cousin) was installed as ruler there.

During this crusade an apocalyptic outbreak of smallpox hit Isaac’s realm. Despite the fact that smallpox isn’t real, the government is lying to you, vaccines are thought control, and we all have an immune system so we’re effectively immortal beings. This was the medieval time, however, when smallpox still existed because it hadn’t yet been wiped out by vacc- you know what, I’m not finishing that sentence. The important thing to note here is that even though this plague cut through the king’s realm like a hot knife through butter… nobody important actually died.

It is also written here in a note that the king’s great uncle, his grandfather’s brother, Robertarch of Iceland, was still fucking alive. Old crusty bastard was like 80, which is over 200 in Medieval years. He was still around and one of Isaac’s biggest supporters despite being both infirm of body AND incapable of mind. Dude held on forever.

There was actually a crusade for the Real Holy Land in Isaac’s lifetime. The king would do his Christian duty and participate in that crusade as well. Though that crusade was far less successful. Turns out when you pick a figth with an enemy that can fight back, you might lose. The story of that crusade was one of a meat-grinder. The Christians brought superior forces to the Holy Land and just… slowly fed them into a larger Muslim army bit by bit. It was like 60k Christians vs. 45k Muslims but the Christians only sent in soldiers about 8-11k at a time, so it was a series of slaughters. Isaac conquered some cities in the region, realized that the rest of the Catholic world was content with picking battles they couldn’t ever hope to achieve, and… left. He wasn’t stupid.

Much of the middle part of Isaac’s reign was turned abroad. Wales and England were just sitting there all juicy and tasty and making seductive… uh… sorry I’m not giving away Extra Sensual Perception VII: The British Isles Fuck content for free. The point is Isaac wanted that land and he was going to take that land. Little by little Isaac pressed “totally legitimate” claims that were “not forged ancient texts that established that my people have historically lived in your lands so those are mine.”

War after war was fought for pieces of England and Wales. Wales was the harder of the two even though it was basically just England. I can’t tell them apart. This joke will never get hold… never. After his initial scucesses, many English lords willingly joined Robert’s vassalage. See, the Kingdom of England had fallen apart by this time and the land wa sheld by many different dukes and also a King Dunholm? That’s a story for another day but essentially during Brian II’s reign there was a rebel English King who crowned himself King of Dunholm. He then got his ass kicked and fled to the Isle of Man. So he was the King of Dunholm, in the Isle of Man, who held no land in Dunholm.

So obviously Isaac took that crown too.

At last Isaac crowned himself King of Scotland, Ireland, England, Wales, and… Dunholm… I guess. Due to inheritance laws if he were to die, each kid would inherit a kingdom and he couldn’t just rewrite the voting laws because other lords held lands and thus held voting power to sway the crown. So what did Isaac do? He invented another crown. The crown of King of Kings. The Romans knew it was Emperor.

Isaac was no longer King Isaac but Emperor Isaac of Britannia. Nicknamed “The Lucky” even though the dude was skilled beyond belief.

His integration of England into his new lands was much the same as his integration of Ireland. Any disloyal vassal was provoked into rebellion. Isaac then crushed the rebellion and use the rebellion as a legitimate reason to strip the offending lord of their lands and banish them from the realm.

Isaac had two final things to fulfill his conquest of all of Britania. The northern part of the island had been occupied by Norway for ages, all the way back to Murchad’s time. Britania was now strong enough to directly fight Norway and Isaac went forth and conquered those lands. He outfoxed the Norse who brought in mercenaries and allies to combat the professional Britanian army. The Emperor took the Norse castles in Scotland before Norway could land their forces on the main island. Then he baited them into disembarking from their ships away from his army (where they thought it was safe) only for him to swiftly force his army on a march to confront the invaders. The invaders got out of their ships only to meet the professional Britanian Army which cast the invaders back into the sea. It was said that the ocean ran red for 3 weeks with the blood of the Norsemen. Although that’s not true, there’s actually no blood shown in this case or visual indicator like that, but it sounds cool. Through his cunning, the Empror had secured the north against a far larger foe.

Finally there was the matter of some Castillian territory in Wales. A lot of weird stuff happened with the Iberian penninsula’s royal families and somehow they got a few counties in Wales (and in Italy too for some reason). Isaac marged into the lightly defended counties and took 3 castles in only a few months. That could have been the end of it if Castille didn’t have any sort of response or reinforcements. Isaac wasn’t going to wait for one. He saled his army to the Iberian peninsula to attack the Queen of Castille directly. He landed in the Iberian pennisula with his forces and proceeded to lay waste to her lands, forcing her to terms.

Having expelled the Norse and the Iberians, Isaac held every single county in the British Isles under the Empire of Britania. He took the title “the Tuatha De Danann”. He had successfully taken Britania AND he had all the major lands ruled directly by CELTS. He took back the Islands of Britania from the Anglo, Saxon, and Norman invaders and united the island at last.

Emperor Isaac will likely be remembered as one of the greatest rulers to ever see God’s green Earth. He sired 6 children (one preceded him in death literally a month before him), united Britania, crowned himself Emperor, squashed rebellions, and brought stability to the realm with 49 years of rule (dying at the age of 70). The realm is better for his rule and we will never see his like again.

Emperor UaChad “The Crow” or “The Merciless”

Emperor Isaac was succeeded by his son Emperor UaChad who was at the ripe age of 47 upon his ascension. UaChad (pronounced, I assume, as You A Chad) had already experience ruling as Duke of Essex, directly managing London (a town that was heavily developed by his father Isaac). He endeavored to get out of his father’s very large shadow.

UaChad was known, prior to his ascension, as a bit of a sadist. Enemies would often be imprisoned and tortured for information which was then used to arrest more traitors against his rule and, you know, torture them too. Yet by all accounts once he became Emperor this behavior stopped. That didn’t mean that he didn’t use this perception of his earlier life as a way to threaten his powerful vassals into fear and submission.

UaChad had a health scare in his mid-50s and it was not expected he would survive the year. Yet miraculously he did. Unfortunately for him, illness would come to characterize much of his later reign. He did eventually suffer becoming infirm like his predecessor High King Demetrius, but just like his predecessor he was able to continue to manage the realm even despite his condition (although I notice that UaChad wasn’t called “The Frail” which again is some bullshit). His relatives would not be so lucky.

Within the first ten years of his reign, UaChad accepted that he would never be his father nor would he ever be able to eclipse him. He COULD have gone on a series of war expeditions into France or Norway but decided against war for the sake of glory. Instead he focused his energy on realm management, accepting that this was his role.

UaChad put down an upstart Duke (whose name is lost to history but I’m pretty sure was “Duke Shit Ass” of Wessex) who took his son’s rightful lands around London. With these restored, UaChad got to work in expanding the treasury of his forefathers. He spent his vast wealth developing, industrializing (for a Medieval version of industry anyway), and investing. He took his predecessors’ army and expanded it to make Britannia not just the strongest army in the British Isles, not just the strongest military in western Europe, but perhaps the strongest military in all the known world (outside of this “Genghis Khan” fellow he heard whispers of in far off lands).

UaChad also incorporated new land into Britannia… kind of on accident? The King of Dunholm (remember, all the Kingdom crowns would go to others upon Emperor Isaac’s death with the exception of the Irish crown and the Imperial crown) had familial ties to land in Finland of all places. Some successions and marriages brought Finland into the Britannia fold through the Kingdom of Dunholm. So that’s neat. I’m honestly not sure how he woudl have administered those lands. It would take literally months to send a letter and get a response back and there were a ton of countries and water between the two parts of the Empire and this was the Medieval times… but no, that’s cool.

UaChad also conquered The Northern Isles (well, two of the three) just north of Brittania under the control of the Norse King. The conquest of these islands would turn out to be disastrous in the long run, for superstitious reasons.

UaChad also participated in the Burgundian Wars. Three rapid-succession wars that he was called into. A Burgundian lord (a duke by most accounts) was overstepping his power and attempting to strip rightfully owned lands of UaChad’s brother-in-law. UaChad came in with a professional army about 5x larger than the Burgundian Duke and crushed him. The Duke was deposed, his son (the Duke’s son, that is) was installed as Duke and within a few months… again attempted to strip UaChad’s brother-in-law of lands. This time the enemy armies were even smaller but had the advantage that UaChad had to reassemble his army in southern England before sending it to southern France, a long and arduous process. The third and final Burgundian war started almost immediately after the second was over for much the same reason. Only this time UaChad kept his forces locally and was able to crush his fe within a matter of weeks without any hassle.

Sources (i.e. me) claim that UaChad wouldn’t have cared about the wars under normal circumstances, but this was late in his reign. And the latter part of his reign was marked by tragedy in the family. His siblings dropped like flies, children too (more on that in a moment) and this particular daughter, married to a Burgundian, was the only one who had a fully intact family. The war was fought less on behalf of his brother-in-law and more to spare his daughter and grandchildren capture or worse.

This moves us on to the thing that most characterized UaChad’s reign. While he kept the realm stable and prosperous, his family life was torn asunder by many great plagues. As his reign continued on he lost his firstborn son’s son. His secondborn son was given domain over the newly conquered Northern Isles. He was, by all accounts, gay. His wife was also, hilariously, also gay. Yet they took one for the team and she bore him 4 children. Tragically all of these children and their parents would succumb to three separate plagues over UaChad’s reign. The Northern Isles were renamed to The Cursed Isles and the title was given to a lord outside of the Briain family tree so that the curse could be someone else’s problem and House Briain would be spared further tragedy.

As his reign neared its end he found that he only had his son, and three grandchildren (one was a bastard) to carry on his family tree. He legitimized the bastard, having so little living family, and made him a baron (his name was Giga Chad) but fate was to be cruel one last time.

UaChad, a man who many expected to die in his 50s, was now a man of 80 when his son, Isaac II, was murdered. The culprit was never found in UaChad’s lifetime.

UaChad now passes away a few weeks shy of his 84th birthday, a monumental feat rarely seen in those days. He was a man who took the throne in his late 40s, accepted that he could not get out of his father’s shadow, and instead focused on carrying on his father’s legacies. He will likely be remembered by history in much the same way as Pepin the Short or Louis the Pious look in relation to Charlemange. Good or even great rulers that were totally eclipsed by their successor/predecessor. UaChad kept order and stability and continued to delivery prosperity long after everyone expected him to pass away. To his enemies and terrified vassals he may have been called “The Merciless” but his friends and those who actually knew him after his ascent to Emperor was known as “The Crow.”

In his final days, UaChad desperately tried to teach his successor, a 7-and-half year old grandson, as much as possible before his passing, will ascend the throne of Emperor under a regency. This will be a most fragile time for the Empire. His grandson may rise and become a ruler on par with Emperor Isaac I himself or the Empire may fracture into several Kingdoms and fade into history. We shall have to pray that his grandsonson is strong enough and his advisors are smart and noble enough to hold the realm together.

The end

Epilogue

Wow that went on a lot longer than I expected. Thus ends the first half of my two part series. The next part will be called Nate Extra. It will also be as long as this blog. I’m fucking with you, I’m never finishing this series. Unlike GRRM I can admit that without violating a publishing contract. I did play further in his grandson’s reign. I never typed anything up though. So here are the notes in bullet point. When you find this blog in 8 years, make everything above this into one book. Then say you found these bullet points in your attic and publish them after my death as the Silmarillion of Bloody Anus and Firey Maegor. I don’t know if this proved what I thought it would prove… but also I think it totally did. Because nobody fucking read this because why would they do that? This is fake history. Anyway here is Emperor Erennach “The Wolf” who succeeds in conquering much of Western Europe (in some cases on accident).

I take over. My half-sister is regent and heir. I keep her around because she’s selfless and competent at her job.
I hear news that Genghis Khan (who came to prominence during my predecessor’s reign) has died! His empire spread up to the edge of Byzantium and even got into some areas of far eastern Europe… scary
I have to give my cousin UaChad II London. I would prefer to give it to my heir and may have to claw it back someday
My mother is cruel and raises me cruelly. She throws my favorite toy, my spinning top, into a fucking fire and calls me a failure
I have my mother take vows and become a nun, take that!
Duke UaChad II, the man I elevated to Duke of Essex and Lord of London, started a faction to put himself on the throne at age 13. This disloyalty seals his fate. Once I come of age and have an heir, I will reclaim London as my birthright
Duke Rory of Lancaster was promoted to the regent before my predecessor died, he didn’t get to be the regent at any point but this caused him to be deeply loyal to me through his oath and obligation to my grandfather
My aunt and tutor passed away right after trying to convert me to witchcraft
I learned the Mongols are invading Byzantium… that’s really really bad
My studies as a kid were very poor, so once I became a man my first trip was to go to the university
My regency was ended easily enough
Time to focus on the fat drunk sitting in London
I held a feast at my summer palace and guests got consumption (so did I). I released a living bird that pecked the shit out of the mayor’s face rather than a dead bird ready to eat.
The Mongol Empire collapsed but it took Byzantium first
I have to consider equal gender inheritance like my grandfather only if I have no heirs
My childhood crush, a peasant leader, returns my affections in adulthood. This was about 6-12 months after my wife become a countess and left court.
My wife lost her lands
I had a bastard child with my lover
The King of Dunholm moved to Scandanavia
I murdered a child (the Duke of Kent) because he refused to release my cousin as a hostage
I have land in Burgundy now. I guess my Duke of Essex inherited that
The Burgundian/Essex Duke is waging war for his claim on the Kingdom of Burgundy – I’ll be striking right after this
3 daughters and finally I get A SON!
The Pope is calling a Crusade for Valencia – I won it as the top beneficiary and crowned Giga Chad’s son as King of Valencia
My lover has 2 kids and no pop-up ever came up to say they were mine so… not sure
6 kids, 3 of them get measles, my son and heir lived but I lost a daughter and my second son
The idiot in charge of Valencia matrilenially married – I got her excommunicated because fuck ‘em – then I plotted to kill them, THEN I married them to my cousin so that the land stayed in House Valencia. All of this was so that our dynasty keeps that land AND so that this guy will prepare some heirs so that the Cursed Isles guy doesn’t inherit the Kingdom of Valencia and take the isles with him
I then got dragged into a war in Valencia and it has made me realize that France must be neutralized as a threat. The King of France is lending his aid against me. I might start under-cutting France with the aim of subjugating it
I win the war in Aragon but bankrupt myself buying mercs
I now have a new goal: destroy France. I didn’t want to get involved in the continent but France’s army is on a level of my own and I cannot allow that. I must break them
My army needs to be reorganized, trebuchets replace mangonels; pikemen are replaced by cavalry
King UaChad II takes over Burgundy in his war. The plan was to take London from him, triggering a vassal war but unfortunately this occurred just after the war in Spain so I lack the strength to capitalize
King UaChad II dies and Burgundy is now in civil war
I was at a feast and a 35 year old mayor was having an affair with my 17 year old daughter, I had the pope excommunicate this man and then use that as an excuse to put him in jail
Vassalized a few free Italian and French lords
The Byzantine Empire’s successor fell apart into many smaller successor states
I allied with France instead, marrying my son and heir to his lesser daughter (and only child) so that when he inevitably loses this war that he’s in (which I will be slow to join) he will be deposed for her. She’ll then get a child on the throne from my dynasty and we’ll have taken France with minimal bloodshed
Looks like at some point the Kingdom of Tahert fell apart
The King of Galacia has crowned himself Emperor of Galacia and Iberia is now permanently divided, good work idiot
I am proclaimed the legendary keeper of the holy site of Canterbury
Learned High German and French
Evangelized the realm
I asked the Pope to excommunicate the Khanate of the Golden Horde just because
Married to my branch house in Burgundy (twice) only to find they were overthrown and the assholes in charge want to get independence from me
So I married my scaly daughter to them
I’ve spread further down the Italian peninsula without even trying
Wife had consumption for years, became a recluse
Lots of civil war in Burgundy
Lots of Italy and Bavaria join me as vassals
I was named The Wolf
I vassalize a lot of central Europe, I defeat Poland in a claim war
I married my second son to the granddaughter of the emperor of Galacia